Starlight
by Lightning and Ice
Summary: When your entire world is darkness, even the smallest light is a blessing. But it is easy to be overwhelmed.


Not much to say here. This was for "Ze very first Leafclan Writing Contest." The prompt and rules can be found by clicking the link at the bottom if you are interested. Wish me luck!

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I am not alone in the darkness

It often feels that way, only a fraction of my consciousness floating alone in the black.

But then Pain jerks me back.

Pain is my constant companion. It shows me the boundaries of my existence. Where there is Pain, there is me. Sometimes, the only reminder I continue.

The swirling dark confuses me, sends be wandering in circles. Flickers of memory come to me, soft grass, white fur, and the taste of juicy prey. These scraps come to me like beams of light, pulling away as I struggle towards them. Every time my efforts grow weaker.

I have made it my goal, to catch the light as a kit would catch a butterfly. I know that there is something beyond pain and darkness, something like the fleeting light. Times come when I can almost hear yowls from behind the black mist, and know that I'm a cat that needs to wake up. Other time it is almost impossible to hold on.

Time stretches on I begin to notice the darkness fading away, giving away to surreal colors. I am free to leave Pain behind and run with cats made of starlight before Pain and dark overwhelm me again. Every time, it grows more real and more thoughts float back to me. I am running through a meadow, chasing a rabbit with shining cats that look at me with worry in their eyes. I cannot comprehend why, because to me these moments are perfect

Abruptly, my focus shifts entirely. I stop going towards the faint, elusive light and struggle to stay in this perfect world. All else is forgotten for the bliss of starlight.

I am in a brief interlude with Pain, waiting for the starlight to overtake me, when it happens.

A light, so blinding I fight to find protection, attacks me. Clutching my eyelids shut, the deep red clouds my vision. After cowering away, I recover a bit, and take it in.

There is color here too. I stop trying to shield myself and go instead towards it. Have my star-cats come to me in a different way?

I try to take it in full until I hear an ear-splitting noise and see a cat coming towards me.

I turn away. These creatures do not speak in a beautiful flowing language like fluid, but in a rough, loud manner. They do not move with the smooth, practiced grace of eons, but in jerky movements that make me cringe.

Pain is here too, more powerful than ever before.

The cat assaults my ears with his harsh mew, and I only catch fragments. _Rocks, broken, almost, head, sleep._

I make a noise, a frail whine made raspy by my atrophied throat.

The cat leaves me, and I struggle to return to the black. This is far too much to handle.

I do not succeed, and soon the creature is back, shoving wet moss and herbs at me.

_Chamomile and Lotus. So you won't go back under._

I understand more, and get the faint recollection of this cat doing this before. Before I can doubt myself further, I extend my tongue to lap them up and follow with water. A chill floods through my body, crawling through every vein.

"Good, very good, Cloudpaw. We were worried for a while."

"Why?" I surprise myself by making another noise, harsh to my own ears. I didn't even know I could.

His face contorts, and I get very close to naming him.

"You've been asleep for half a moon. There was a rock slide and you were trapped. One of them hit your head and you didn't wake up. Frankly, it is a miracle that you're alive at all."

I don't understand all the words, but I get the meaning. I should be dead.

"Cloudpaw?" I ask. It does seem very familiar, but I can't be sure. I can't even be sure these words will convey my meaning.

His face grows more worried. "Yes. You-You seem a bit scrambled. I'll get Gooseflight. You can talk to her."

I puzzle over who Gooseflight might be, trying to accustom myself to reality and remember everything at once. It does nothing but confuse me further, and I curl up in the nest. I hope Gooseflight is very quiet and as much of a comfort as my mixed-up mind seems to think.

A cat pads in as soon as I get comfortable. She moves more gracefully, and her white fur strikes a memory long forgotten into my head.

_"Come on, Cloudpaw! The rock pile will be beautiful and shining after the rain. "_

_I pad along, not nearly as excited as my sister. My tail dragged over the rocky terrain, barely avoiding the straggling weeds that grow between wide cracks._

_We climb up a rocky hill and look down. The tall pile of rocks is pretty, in a way. Dark with water and glistening in the sun._

_"Bet you can't keep your paws as far as I can, clumsy-paws!" She purrs, and steps out onto the slick stone._

_Something nags in the back of my mind, but I ignore it. No litter-mate has the right to insult me!_

_I wander out to where the sides of the pile descend. "Ha-ha! Who's clumsy now?" I yowl, moving a rock with my paw. A few pebbles scatter, ricocheting down farther and farther, an echo ringing in my ears._

_I lose my balance and stumble back. My sister's purrs turn to shrieks as I plummet in a torrent of stone and dust._

I shake my head, and immediately regret it. The world that was beginning to stabilize is once again wavering to my eyes. Fog begins the edge its way into my sight, but I let it sit there.

"I'm so happy you're back!" She purrs, too loud for my disoriented ears.

I nod a bit.

"I'm sure your warrior ceremony will be soon, as soon as you want to face the Clan," she says, sitting down to groom my fur. When I look, it is dirty, twisted and matted.

"Warrior?" I croak. If I remember right, warriors are competent. A bit of a stretch for me, seeing as I just had to remind myself to breathe.

"Of course. We were days away from our assessments, and your battle against the Long Sleep would surely be enough to make you a warrior."

My head spins with the implications. They thought I was sleeping? That was the farthest thing there is from sleep, exhausting and painfully conscious. But It makes me think. Could I have been dreaming when I was with the star-cats? Or was I so close to death I could hunt with StarClan?

Gooseflight looks at me worriedly.

"Cloudpaw, are you alright? You looked lost for a second."

I cringe before answering. Are cats always this loud?

"I- I think I'm alright. But hungry." The idea of prey is a good one, and I hope I'm functional enough to eat.

"Of course. It was about half a moon you spent asleep, and we couldn't get you to take much food."

She stops and nuzzles me, which makes my old friend Pain come back.

"I'm so happy you woke up!"

She leaves the den, and I give silent thanks for the dark and quiet. If the star-cats were a dream, I wish to sleep again. They are so much more joyous and caring. Those here are far too much for me now

But too soon, the medicine cat is back with a small mouse. He sits in front of me and takes small pieces off and gives them to me. Chewing hurts my jaw and the prey scrapes my throat, but it is still delicious. I notice when the morsels stop coming and look up.

"Cloudpaw, you will need to do special exercises. Two of your legs were broken and you were covered in bruises and cuts. Walking will probably be difficult for a while. We're so lucky you made it through."

I stare at him in horror. The pain I experienced in the dark was a constant ache, with the occasional sharper bouts. But this, this pain will be self-inflicted. It will be excruciating while I force myself to move, and sore afterwards. I've started to notice things aren't right under my pelt, bones scrape my skin in odd places and everything seems crooked.

I do not want to. I curl deeper into my nest and stare at him over my tail. Why would he wish this upon me?

He shakes his head and leaves the den.

My warrior's ceremony is today. All I know is I almost collapse on the short walk out of the den and the Clan's loud chanting makes me want to bury my ears in the ground. But I am Cloudheart, and I must not.

Now I am deemed recovered enough for the exercises to start. Greybranch, who's name was finally told to me, makes me walk farther and farther away from camp until I make it to the lake.

Every night I collapse into my nest, willing the dark to overtake me. My legs and shoulders ache and my chest heaves. At first they gave me lotus to keep me awake, but they stopped soon enough. I want to be alone to thrash and whimper in the den, but I must make do with the other warriors.

When I finally can make it to the lake without collapsing into a heap at its shore, Greybranch looks at me proudly.

"Now, swim."

I look at him, my eyes dull with exhaustion. I can't remember swimming, which means either I've never done it or it's been blocked out of my mind. Either way, this is not anything I'll be doing soon. The murky water looks unforgiving, ready to swallow me alive.

He nudges me, which is not in any way appreciated.

"Come on. Just like walking, and we've conquered that!"

I bite back a hiss. Ever since I came back, they all act like I want to do this, I want to be rehabilitated. It never occurred to them that I hate every second I spend in pain for them.

But I wade into the lake anyway, and am shocked to find the cool water to be delight. I go deeper, and allow myself to melt, moving only enough to keep afloat. The pain of walking, all the sore muscles and misaligned bones are but bad memories.

I don't know how long I am in the lake before I stop paddling. I go under, and immediately thrash to go up. I quickly stop when I realize that this feels even better. I stay under.

Only When Greybranch drags me out do I realized my lungs were burning for air. I know I would have died had I stayed under, but I still put hate every painful paw step away from the lake. I'm herded off to sleep, and for the first time, I dream.

A cat of starlight pads up to me, and I sigh in relief to find I am back in my starry home.

"Cloudheart, I know this is difficult for you, but you must persevere."

I do not let the cat finish its speech. I run for the treeline, ecstatic to move without pain. But as soon as I reach it, I awake. Everything hits me at once, including Pain.

I force myself up, holding back a groan.

My mind doesn't know where I'm going, but my body knows where to go.

Sneaking out of the dirtplace, dragging myself through the territory. It is the longest journey I have made, and I'm not sure I know the way. My paws seem to, and after several grueling minutes, I reach a cave.

It is small and still and dark, with paw prints worn into the stone. In the middle is a clear pool, the surface silver and undisturbed.

I move forward and align my paws with the stone ones. It is a relief to sit down to the ground.

I bend my head and lap up the water. It is cool and clear and my still-scratchy throat has no protests. I let it drain away the fears, pushing them farther from my mind.

My head sinks to my paws, and I can see the starlight.

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topic/131124/94961638/1/Ze-Very-First-LeafClan-Wri ting-Contest


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